A Dazzling Desire
The post to follow was written many years ago. As I would filter through my journal I would highlight significant moments through my infertility journey. These moments are when God turned my disappointment into an appointment with Him. The Dazzling Desire is the pivotal point and beginning of my journey. A journey which still continues today.
Even though this experience took place years ago, I feel His Word is timeless. And, it is just not for me, but for you. From these specific appointments with Him along my fertility journey it has always been my desire to write them as a devotional to encourage others. As you read, I’m praying you’ll be encouraged.
With all my heart I want you to know, believe and feel God loves you. He has not forgotten and left you in a squalid, dark place. You may feel you are in a cave of misunderstanding and gloom, but you are aren’t! As the light of His love shines through allow the warmth of His love to invade your heart.
The Dazzling Desire
“And we have the prophetic word [made] firmer still, You will do well to pay close attention to it, to a lamp shining in a dismal (squalid and dark) place, until the day breaks through [the gloom] and the Morning Star rises (comes into being) in your hearts.”
II Peter 1:19 (AMP)
The morning star, the planet Venus rises early in the east giving way to the day’s dawning. In our world, the sun, the most brilliant star to our natural eye alights each new day of our lives. The light dispels the gloom of every shade, shadow and darkness. Like Jesus, the Lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. (Psalm 119:105)
For several years I felt as if I was searching for any light that would squelch the squalid, dark place in my heart, the place where only God can fill. There was such a longing, a quest within me. Some of those days were extremely hard, days where I felt such a sense of hopelessness. I searched for the light through the act of busyness; starting a new business, serving in my local church and trying to find life’s purpose through others. My pursuits only led to temporary fulfillment and eventually, emptiness.
All of us have probably witnessed a clear night sky; heaven’s expanse is full of stars! Instead of reaching for the stars, so to speak, I realized I had to look to the Morning Star, Jesus. The only One who can truly light the way for our lives.
For the longest, the desire for children was not in my heart. The goal for me and my husband’s life at that point was our career and saving cash to purchase a home. However, approaching mid-30’s and being childless made it increasingly hard for me to fit in with other women, even women within my church. Finally, in my personal prayer time I got the nerve to quickly ask God if it was His will for me to become a Mom. Here is a recollection of a journal entry from many years ago.
“I wonder about my life? The direction I will go. I have really prayed over being a mother and am asking the Lord if it is His will that He would put the desire in my heart and my husband’s, and cause me to be pregnant—only if it is meant to be.”
Not long after I wrote the journal entry we attended church which happened to be Mother’s Day. The minister proceeded in the delivery of his sermon, and said,
“Today, the topic of my message is about barrenness.”
He spoke on various aspects of barrenness in our lives, not just for women but for men as well. When the topic of women desiring children was addressed, there was a rapid beat of my heart, a weakness came in my knees and a well of tears started flowing, this feeling was all too familiar. It reminded me of the day I was born again, accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. As the minister continued, it was like the morning star in the east before dawn. The cloud of darkness from the lack of purpose and hopelessness was giving way to the Light. In that moment, the Morning Star, Jesus introduced to me the dazzling desire of my heart: Motherhood.
God had answered my written and vocal request that day. My husband and I left the church service arm and arm, the warm sunshine of an early summer day shining on my face, as well as the light of an answered plea shining within me.
I use the star as a symbolic element in relating this portion of my journey through infertility, but God has used it significantly in Biblical history. The Bethlehem Star was used as a sign pointing the way for the wise men revealing where the baby Jesus was born. With the patriarch Abraham, formerly Abram, to reveal God’s covenant, the expanse of stars, revealed His desire for he and Sarah’s life. In fact in Genesis 15:4, Abram said to God,
“You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir. Then the word of the Lord came to him: ‘This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir.’ He took him outside and said, “Look up at the heavens and count the stars—if indeed you can count them.” Then he said to him, “So shall your offspring be.”
I like how one author, Beth Forbus of Sarah’s Laughter paraphrased the scripture,
“Count them Abram, just see if you can! Those are your children Abram! Surely there was a divine twinkle in God’s eye as He watched Abram’s calloused finger point skyward and his jaw drop open! The greater number of stars, the greater Abram’s lineage grew.”
As the wise men ‘looked forward’ they saw His star in the east and came to worship Him, announcing God’s desire to give His Son as the Savior of the world. As God instructed Abram to ‘look up’, the heavens proclaimed and ordained God’s purpose for him.
Whether it was the illumination of one star or many, each emition of light shown an eternal purpose. Like Abraham and the wise men, I too found eternal purpose in that Mother’s Day sermon. I have heard it stated that the word desire has a Latin meaning “coming from the Father”. His desire in us creates a memory of our future. The desire God placed within me fulfilled that longing quest; it dispelled every shade of hopelessness. The light of His desire still dazzles me and gives me hope for the future.
What do you see? Has the darkness of infertility cast its shadow upon your future? Is the sun, the only brilliant light that you see? Or can you witness the Morning Star, Jesus, twinkling on the horizon of your new day?
His desire is that you come to Him. The light of His presence will swallow up the darkness surrounding you and His purpose will light up your life. Keep crying out to the One who can light the way. Keep crying out to Jesus Christ.