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The Bird’s Nest

Hi everyone! It’s Hannah here. I’m so honored to be posting today on Dancing Upon Barren Land! If you’re interested in learning more about who I am and why I’m here, you can read more about that on the introduction post that Lesli posted {HERE}.

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I spent the lonely car ride home with tears welling in my eyes. Though I had just spent the last few hours with friends, my mind began dwelling on the thought that I was coming home to an empty house. The past few weeks have been rough; for the third time my husband, Aaron, and I have been in anticipation to finally start the IVF process and for the third time we have been stopped dead in our tracks. Finances, paperwork, and physical issues have halted us each time. I’ve tried not to put all of my hope into believing IVF is the answer to our fertility problems, but having a next step or plan has helped me pull through the waiting time.

“If we can only make it to November, then we’ll start our treatment.”

Then November became January; January became April; April became September; September became Never.

Now what do we do? We wait for the next step. But for me the waiting is instinctively filled with anxiousness and loneliness when there is no plan or deadline to look forward to. I begin to get anxious over finances and wonder how in the world are we ever going to save more money to cover the cost of expensive fertility treatments? I wonder whether or not my body will even cooperate with treatments and give us the chance to try. The worst is the unexplainable loneliness and isolation I feel that begins to attack my thought life and in turn sends me into depression.

These thoughts and these worries rage a daily, exhausting mental battle. But it’s a battle I know I can’t fight on my own. A battle I know I don’t have to fight on my own. As the tears fall down my cheeks as I turn into my neighborhood I pray, “God, you see me right now. You know how anxious I am…how broken I am…how lonely I am. You know that the enemy is attacking my thought life. I need your strength to fight this battle. I know you care about me. Please give me peace and rest as I cast all of these burdens on you. I’ll be still, because I know you are God.”

As I pull into the driveway I look to the left and see our oak tree – our oak tree that has contorted itself at the trunk and is at about a 45-degree angle from the ground. For me it has become such an eye sore and even an embarrassment that every time I pull into the driveway I think, “We just need to replace this tree.”

But this particular day something caught my eye. I noticed something I hadn’t noticed before.

A bird had built its nest in our crooked tree.

I immediately thought of one of the verses I consider to be a life verse for me:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:25-27

This scripture has pulled me through so many seasons and at the most perfect moment,  finding this beautiful bird’s nest spoke to my heart. It was God reminding me, “No need to worry. I’ve got you. I hear you. I’ll take care of you. I care about these little guys, so I definitely care about you.”

These little birds may be nestled in the middle of a crooked tree, just as we are surrounded by situations that fill us with worry and make us want to pull up our roots and give up. But these birds are being taken care of in the middle of something so ugly – A tree I’ve been ready to pull out and replace! But now I see this tree has a purpose; It’s housing and preparing a little bird family to grow up and face the world. Our journey, though very painful, is only a temporary home that is building us to be the incredible parents I know we are destined to become.

So when we are filled with thoughts of worry, anxiousness, and utter loneliness when we can’t see the next step, let’s remember; God is taking care of those little birds. That means he’s definitely taking care of us.

Leave a comment

Aaron Bunker

Beautifully written. This is a great reminder that God is saying to us “I got this”. In a world that is full of dissapointments and hurt it is a great comfort to know that God is taking care of us and He has not frogtten us. As the song says We are NOT forgotten.

My darling granddaughter…I remembered something that has helped me before, I don’t think I ever told you this before, but my Uncle Zeb gave me this a long time ago..”We know not the Why, but you can endure the What as long as you know the WHO!” I know you know the WHO, our Lord and HE will take care of everything in HIS time! Know that He loves you more than He loves the birds.

Lesli Westfall

Ageed Aaron! Another high-fiver from Hannah Bunker!

lesli

We recently found out that our daughter stops breathing upwards of 30 times a night (her brain “forgets” to tell her body to breathe). We currently don’t have the equipment to either monitor her or ensure appropriate breathing or oxygen levels, so every night before I go to sleep I pray that He will watch over her, give her a nudge to remind her to breathe when she forgets, wake her up if she vomits so her airway is protected, and so forth…I trust that He does, for this very reason. If He cares and provides for the birds, how much MORE does he provide and care for her! We have different worries, but His care for us is the same. We’re in the best of hands!

Andrea

Hannah,

Good morning at 1:00 AM! I happened to stumble on this blog as I was googling for “Christians dealing with infertility.” Your emotions are so raw and pierce the core of my heart. And I wanted to stop reading right away and exit out of this blog because I hate the pain of this. I too cry out to God like Hannah, Sara, Elizabeth, and the other women of the Bible and all over this world. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for four years. We’ve been pregnant twice, but the pregnancies have ended miscarraige. But praise be to God because He is so good, and he has brought me a long way in this journey. I feel that the anger has diminished and I’ve embraced life again. Tomorrow my husband and I go for our IUI. I don’t know if I’ll get the outcome I’ve been praying for, but I do know that the Lord is in control and He loves us both and He has heard our cries. Hannah thank you for your courage and sharing your heart. May you continue to feel God’s peace and love.

Lesli Westfall

Hi Andrea,

I’m so glad you stumbled upon the DUBL website and am glad Hannah’s post and what she shared touched you. I am praying for you and for a fruitful outcome of your procedure today. I’m thankful you’re trusting in Him in the midst of it all and no matter the outcome. Praying for fruitfulness in your life in more ways than one, and most of all, praying for the pain of infertility to be healed and that you’ll find complete comfort and peace. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. This ministry is here for you.

Lesli

Lesli Westfall

Amen Kyla I agree with you. I can’t imagine as a mother what you are feeling, but I’m blessed to hear your confident trust is in Him. I and our team will be praying for you and for your precious daughter. Believing God will provide the necessary equipment needed and His watchful eye will be upon her in her waking and sleeping moments. May God bless you and keep in you and the life of your little one. We’re here for you.

Lesli

Hannah –
Thank you for sharing this honest look at the pain AND promises of this process! My husband and I have been TTC for about a year and a half, and we’re in the middle of our second round of clomid, heading towards IUI (hopefully) this round. I’m so glad there are voices out there that speak to the HOPE found in Christ in this situation. It is His hope, love, joy, and grace that keep me going in this journey. Thanks again! Bless you in your journey!

amanda

Thank u so very much hannah!!! My husband and i have been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years and the pain of empty arms has been so devastating!!! Lately i have felt so alone and all i want to do is sit and cry all day!!! God is great though!! I asked him for a sign that he had not forgotten about us and reading your story about how he takes care of the birds and i know how much more he cares about us and that he is here with us in the midst of our pain!! Every day is a struggle but i will continue to have faith that he will heal us of our infertility and bless us with the babies we so desire!!! Thank u again!!! I will b praying for all of u!! God bless!!!