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It Still Hurts – Be Real – Just Smile

As you can tell by the title of this post I couldn’t figure out which one to choose, so I decided to use all three. When one desires children/struggling with infertility you never know what will hit you! What seems to not affect you one day can overwhelm you the next. One thing is for sure it is an uninvited, unwelcomed guest, showing up when you least expect it!

For me, since I’ve been dealing with this for so long and listening to countless other women share their stories, I’ve felt I have matured and have grown stronger in my emotions. Well, so I thought. I wanted to share what took place, a reflection of what happened within a 24-hour period. So whoever is reading this will know that they are not alone.

It Still Hurts

Along with my small business, I’m also a part-time manager for Ronald McDonald House (RMH) -Houston in the Texas Medical Center. RMH is an international non-profit organization providing ‘a home away for home’ for families who have critically or terminally ill children. I love my job! I find it a privilege serving new moms and weary families looking for a place to lay their head. I’m around women who’ve just had a baby all the time, so usually it doesn’t bother me. However, on this particular day it was overwhelming!

As I was walking through the hospital corridor I could see a new mother being transported to her car, a new babe in her arms. The cart was overflowing with balloons and flowers celebrating the birth. As I looked intently (trying not to stare) I thought to myself ‘I wonder what that feels like? To have a baby and to know you are going home with one?’ I walked away. I thought to myself ‘I am not going to get upset.’ I began to pray silently within my heart, ‘I thank you God you have not forgotten me, that you love me and you know the desires of my heart.’

Later on in the evening a new family was checking in. Such a sweet couple! There was something so different about them. They said, “Oh! We are adopting! Our baby girl was born yesterday and we’ll be taking her home tomorrow!” Their news touched my heart; I congratulated them and was genuinely happy for them. Yet when they left my desk, I felt like a ton of bricks hit me. Tears welled up in my eyes. Thinking to myself, ‘I should be over this, how come this still hurts?’

Be Real

I began to feel the flow of tears. I excused myself and went into the office next door and shut the door behind me. The office has a glass front door, yet there were no lights on except in the credenza. As I faced away from the door, I began to weep quietly. I could not control these unexpected emotions. I heard people talking right outside the glass-front door; they were standing right in front of it! So I knelt down and quickly ‘hid’ behind the desk. Yep, I AM A MIGHTY WOMAN OF GOD! Can’t you tell? (You’re probably laughing at me, it’s Ok I laughed at myself). Yet this humbled, kneeling state, again brought me to my Savior.

Being real with Him, I implored His help, asking the God of all comfort to comfort me. He cocooned me with His love, helped me through the remainder of my day and into the arms of a loving, caring husband.

Just Smile

The next day was unexpected. I received news my mother had to go into the hospital. With my Dad being home on hospice care, my help was needed, in which I am glad to be there for my parents, they are always there for me. As she received surgery in the late evening I went to get a bite to eat. I was starving! As I returned to the waiting room, a group of about twenty-five people were standing at the elevator (lift). A Lamaze birthing class just ended full of men and very pregnant women!

I saw them and I let out a big sigh!

There was no way to avoid them, no other means of escape! There was only one set of elevators to use. So as I waited I thought to myself and prayed, ‘God! Why? After yesterday’s emotional roller coaster and today’s events with my mom…I don’t need this!’ Well, the elevator door opened, they all crammed in there, I entered last. I turned to face the elevator doors, as they were talking about impending labor pain, their due dates and the birthing rooms.

I just shook my head.

I thought to myself, ‘Well, at least I am the skinniest one in here.’

I smiled and chuckled to myself. I thought, “God, I really don’t understand your sense of humor.”

Some days it still hurts, but you’ve got to get real with yourself. The emotions you feel are valid and there is nothing wrong with you. For the longest, you might be doing well and all of sudden out of nowhere the uninvited, unwelcomed guest comes. It is not that you embrace it; you just get real before your Heavenly Father and escort this unwelcomed, uninvited guest of infertility to Him. Even in an elevator stuffed with pregnant women, some days you just have to smile, believing He loves and cares for you so very much.

So hang in there! I’m hanging in there too!

Lesli

Leave a comment

Heather

Wonderful post Les! Thank you for being honest about the pain. I wish I had this blog to vist in 1991, it would have helped a lot. Love ya' Peep.
H

Lesli Westfall

I love ya PeeP H. I wish there was no pain such as 'grief'. Sorry that you've gone through so much. We can hang and walk this life out together, my friend.

Lesli

Laurel

wow this post was good for me to hear..i always think i'm the only one going through this..I know EXACTLY how you feel! thanks for keeping it real!

LifeAsDINKers (Ava-J)

Hi. It was nice stumbling into your blog (via Upton Twins). The DH and I are also "waiting to be expecting". I work at a local health center and do prenatal check-ups several times a week…and yeah, it's tough to be surrounded by pregnant women when in the throes of serious baby-lust!! but i take comfort in your prayers and posts. will be following you now!

Lesli Westfall

Thanks to all who posted comments. 'You' being real helps others AND myself know we are not alone! May God continue to give us the strength to carry on in this journey, witnessing with our eyes the fruitful end, Amen?

Sarah

Perfectly stated and so very true! I cried at church yesterday as a young married couple – pregnant wife – walked down front to join our church. I realized my eyes were following her belly. My eyes teared up and I couldn't stop the flow. Out of nowhere. Bam.

Lesli Westfall

Sarah, sorry to hear about your day. I'll be praying for you. Hang in there, give it all to the Lord, He is there for you. Bless you!

Lesli