I thought I’d just sit down and start to write. No scripted prose or edit here. Just a heart-to-heart post. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, all for a good reason though. I pray Jesus is holding you closely to His heart as I am holding Him close and tightly.
Recently I emailed my good friends, my PeePs as I call ’em my exasperated list of prayer needs. Included in the list was ‘how do I keep up with the online ministry? getting back to writing the prayer booklet for infertility?’ Many suggestions and well-needed advice was given. One helpful suggestion was why don’t you just “get real” and write about the season you’re going through? I’m sure most would identify with what you are going through.” Most of all they said, “Lesli, “take care of yourself.”
Their words ring true.
Two months ago my mother passed away unexpectedly. She went into the hospital for a simple surgical procedure. She developed complications from the surgery which landed her in ICU for a month. I was privileged to stay at her side. Soaking in all the mother’s love I could even from her pitiful physical state and taking in her last verbal instruction to me (see post “I Need You to be Strong” http://dancinguponbarrenland.com/2011/03/i-need-you-to-be-strong/)
When you lose a parent it’s hard in itself, but then taking on the physical care of the other parent is in a class all its own. So this is the case with me. Presently I’m taking care of my father, who is a shut-in. My mother was his dutiful, self-less, primary caretaker for the last four years, the last year being on hospice care.
I believe even apart from infertility this season has been the hardest season of my life thus far.
The responsibilities required of me came like a violent storm. While the day-to-day life’s duties calmly remained the same. Like tending and keeping my home, loving my husband (who, btw IS the best), working, trying to maintain some sort of relationship with friends/extended family, delegating the infertility support group, keeping up with the online ministry, going back to writing…and in the meantime trying to fit into all of that ‘grieving the loss of a loved one.’ (This is when the advice ‘take care of yourself’ comes in).
With all this being said I don’t want to solicit pity. I just want to ‘get real’ with you. As much as I want to show compassion and God’s love through this online ministry He has graciously given me, I just realize I can’t always keep up! Monday Morning Prayer may be posted on Wednesday, information for Fertility Fact Friday may be sent out to you on Sunday and these wonderful, inspirational, devotional posts I dream of writing about may simply state, “Jesus loves you and has not forgotten you.”
Thinking you can do it all without stopping for yourself is not good. You can’t do it all and grieve at the same time. Denying the season you’re in is just not healthy; physically or emotionally. (I was doing that). You have to face where you’re at in order to know where you are going. Getting real with yourself is freeing! It is His grace.
And His Grace is sufficient for all of us, no matter what!
2 Corinthians 12:9
I am praying for each you. It won’t be the last you’ll hear of me. (smiles) I’d appreciate your support through prayer for me and this ministry. Thank you!
The Lord bless each of you!